Two of my favorite jokes by Gilbert Gottfried are below.. So Funny!
A man is walking along the beach when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs lying on the beach. He notices that she is crying, so he walks over and says, "Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?" She replies with "I'm just so sad, in all my life, I've never been kissed". Feeling bad, the man leans down and gives the woman a kiss on the lips and walks away. Moments later, he hears the woman crying even louder this time. He returns to the woman and says, "Now what seems to be the problem?" She says "I'm just so sad. In all my life, I've never been fucked." The man pauses for a moment, picks up the woman, and tosses her into the ocean and says "You're fucked now!!!"
Three men are on a business trip and get lost while trying to find their hotel. It's in the middle of the night and there is no sign of anything near by. They suddenly come upon an old farmhouse. The men decide to stop to see if they can get directions. They walk up and see an old man and woman sitting on the porch. "Good evening, gentleman" the old man says. "We need directions, we seem to be lost. We're trying to get to our hotel, but can't seem to find it and are all very tired" one of the men say. The old man tells them that he has a room free, but there is only one bed. It wouldn't cost the men anything to stay, and they were promised a big breakfast in the morning. The men agree and go upstairs and go to sleep. In the morning, they all come down for breakfast. The old man asks how everyone slept. The first man replies and said, "I slept wonderful, I had the most amazing dream! I dreamt I was getting a handjob by a beautiful woman" The second man replies and says "That's amazing! I had the exact same dream, that I was getting a handjob from the most beautiful woman!" The third man replies and says, "That's funny, I dreamt I was skiing!" HAHAHA
on Twitter! @sethtgood